Author Archives: P. Funkenstein

About P. Funkenstein

B. Wixwater is the Founder, Writer, Editor and Champion of the Portland Bugle.

Ke$ha Sucks

There is just barely, barely room in my heart for one Lady Gaga, and that’s only because I think it’s refreshing to see a 14 year-old boy make it in the world of Pop Divas dominated by modestly talented women. … Continue reading

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Diabetes Sucks

I went to the doctor because my penis (that’s right I said penis. Penis, penis, penis. Grow up!) hurt. The good news is I don’t have syphilis. Upon returning I walked into the house and was met by my mother. … Continue reading

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Portland Sucks

Quick. Think back to your childhood bookshelf. I have found The Land of Waldos and it is Portland, Oregon. Replace Waldo’s standard blue jeans with a pair a bit tighter; his red and white striped sweatshirt with a flannel or … Continue reading

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LeBron Sucks

I saw Nike’s Project: LeBron Reclamation commercial and I hated it because it sucked. LeBron kept asking ‘What should I do?’ in a patronizing manner suggesting that fans’ expectations weren’t and aren’t fair or reasonable. My only expectation for LeBron … Continue reading

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98.3 The Spur Sucks

One of my local radio stations recently counted down the 20 greatest songs ever and TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’ didn’t even make the list. !.  Willie Nelson, Shania Twain and Garth Brooks made the list, but somehow the undisputed greatest act ever, … Continue reading

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My Date Last Night Sucked

So I thought I’d sort of let my hand linger on her thigh just above the knee to see how she would respond and get a gauge on things. “What the hell are you doing?” is how she responded. “Watch … Continue reading

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Piracy Sucks

Sometimes I find that the 80 episodes of ‘Friends’ available to me syndicated on local channels and basic cable each week isn’t nearly adequate. So recently I resorted to piracy; not the decreasingly-entertaining-each-chapter kind that Johnny Depp gave us, but … Continue reading

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